Isaac Laquedem

The Laquedem Plan for the second presidential debate: Scrabble

The debate between President Trump and Vice President Biden earlier this week told us nothing new about the candidates.  The president criticized Mr. Biden for not proposing any specific plans for his term in office, and then talked over him whenever he started to give specifics.  Mr. Biden was more restrained, but eventually gave up trying to address Mr. Trump's disconnected thoughts and spoke directly (and effectively) to the American people.

A second debate in the same format won't tell us anything new or interesting about the candidates.  Let's admit that we are tuning in mainly to watch for gaffes and blunders, with the same morbid attraction that we have for seeing tightrope walkers and trapeze artists put themselves in danger. 

If Messrs. Trump and Biden are going to meet again to do battle, it should be in a novel format.  Hence the Laquedem Plan to Rework the Second Presidential Debate.

Let them play three games of Scrabble on national television.

Let us see how they interact over a game board, what words they choose, how becomingly they achieve victory, and how gracefully they accept defeat.  Let us read what we can into their choice of words, their game strategies, their use of bonus squares, and their inventiveness with J, Q, X, and Z.  Do they open up new territory on the board with long words that leap to the borders?  Or do they play conservatively and defensively, filling squares in ones and twos?   Do they challenge each other's words? 

It's said that you can learn a lot about a man's character by playing golf with him.  Let's bring the character test to the table.

Game on!

Jane Ace tells off a hospital that asked for a gift

On March 9 the Wall Street Journal published this article by Alexandra Samuel about feedback fatigue, describing how "in their eagerness to deliver a better customer experience" by incessantly asking for reviews and evaluations, "companies have created a new kind of bad customer experience: feedback fatigue."  Ms. Samuel cites two studies that discovered that customers don't like the surveys.  "Repeated surveys," she wrote, "may make customers reluctant to return."  She described a 2014 study as showing that "over-surveying by different organizations leads to exhaustion with all the requests for feedback."  

The article brought to mind one fine example of a business being less than careful with its customer outreach, way back in 1974.  The particular business was a New York City hospital, and it sent this letter to a former patient, Jane Ace.  I've shortened it a bit:

December 6, 1974

Dear Mrs. Ace:

As a recent patient you have seen how our hospital serves its community by providing a full range of medical services, offering a high level of nursing service together with physical amenities, enabling the hospital to treat the patient as a person, rather than a number.  We are appealing to former patients like yourself to contribute to the hospital's Capital Improvement Fund . . .

[Signed by the president of the hospital]

Mrs. Ace and her husband Goodman Ace were well-known radio personalities, and he was a veteran humorist.  He felt that the letter wasn't appropriate, and wrote the following response, which has stuck with me since I first read it in 1975:

December 8, 1974

Dear Sir:

As a former patient I did notice your high-level nursing service together with its other amenities, and I would dearly like to contribute to your hospital fund.  But, you see, on November 11 I died in your hospital.  Maybe we can get together later.

Sincerely, Jane Ace

 

If this were 1872, the Democratic party's leadership would . . .

The efforts of the Democratic party leadership, abetted by elements of the eastern press, to promote billionaire Michael Bloomberg as the man who can defeat Bernie Sanders for the Democratic nomination and then go on to expel self-identified billionaire Donald Trump from the White House in the November election made me imagine that, if 150 years ago Daniel Drew (image credit) had connived his way into the Oval Office, the party leadership would have recruited Jay Gould to run for the office, not just to oust Drew but to prevent an actual reformer from winning.

Alternate headline: Secretary of State doesn't know where Ukraine is, asks NPR reporter to help

I think it's a plausible explanation of this odd story, unless Secretary Pompeo is better at geopolitics than Secretary DeVos is at education.  In the unlikely event that Mr. Pompeo reads this blog, here's a clue:

 

 

 

The 2020 election: The Laquedem Plan To Grant Victory to Both Candidates

Three years of Donald Trump as our president have demonstrated that he enjoys the pomp of the presidency, doesn't want to work very hard, and has only a few fixed political principles.  (He might express those principles as "Taxes are bad!  Twitter is good!  Immigrants I'm not married to are bad!")  We as Americans are conflicted: we berate our presidents (not just Mr. Trump) when they too readily enjoy the perquisites of the office, and we don't like it when they're too fancy, but we also complain when they aren't fancy enough for our taste.

America needs a different president.  What, then, shall we do with the current one?  In 2016 we tried to show our preference for the other candidate by giving her 3,000,000 more votes, but Mr. Trump won anyway.  I suggest that we take advantage of his tastes and two recent events to provide victory to both President Trump and whomever the Democrats may nominate, while at the same  time bolstering the American economy and giving the gossip magazines a ready source of Kardashian-free material.  The two recent events are that Henry, Duke of Sussex, commonly (and no longer royally) known as Prince Harry, and his wife will live in Canada much of the year, and that the prince celebrated his 35th birthday on September 15, 2019.  Constitutional scholars will see where I'm going.

To accomplish the Laquedem Plan, we will need to enact one statute and make one revision to the constitution.  The statutory change is to create a ceremonial position (call it "Pooh-Bah"), to be filled by appointment from among those persons who are either past presidents of the United States or descended from a king or queen who at one time ruled over a portion of what is now the United States, meaning that the Pooh-Bah could be a member of the royal house of Great Britain, the Netherlands, Sweden, Spain, France, and Hawaii.  The constitutional change is to allow the Pooh-Bah to grant lifetime titles of nobility to persons who have held federal elective office on the condition that the ennobled recipients give up their right to hold any further elective office.

Prince Harry is available and looking for a job.  Imagine him as Pooh-Bah.  He has had years of training for a post that he's unlikely to ever fill in his own country.  He'll be local.  He's photogenic and popular.  His wife can act.  He's the ideal candidate.

What will Pooh-Bah Harry do?  I suggest that he starts by granting a title to Donald Trump.  "Earl of Jersey" is already taken, and "Earl of New Jersey" sounds parvenu.  I propose "Baron Trump of Florida" as being fitting.  There would be no duties and he could golf as much as he wishes.  The appointment would come with a coat of arms suitable to be mounted over a hotel entrance, and would even include a Chinese trademark registration.  He can have all the pomp and flattery that any nobleman would wish.  In the meantime the rest of the country can get back to business under the direction of a president better suited to do the actual work of governing.

Equal time for the defense: "Hang In There, Mr. President" (1974)

Richard Nixon inspired not just whimsical songs about the Watergate scandal that brought his presidency to an end, but also songs to rally his supporters.  Henry Tobias wrote this one, which Bernie Knee recorded with accordionist and polka king Frank Yankovic (1915-1998) and his orchestra.  The author wasn't afraid to use the i-word in the lyric:

You've got courage so just reach 'em (Fight! Fight! Fight!)

Let them holler 'Let's impeach him!"  They're wrong, you're right!

It's hard to imagine how the current administration would publicize a song in support of President Trump, as it no longer holds press conferences.  His lawyer Rudy Giuliani could sing it on his behalf, but he's shown a facility for getting his lines wrong.

An unexpected surprise at MOD Pizza

CNN accidentally makes a point about child-rearing

I can't be the only one who noticed the coincidence in CNN's story about the mother of Osama bin Laden being followed by, well, the story that it was followed by.

Venerable Mom's credit was not good enough for Macy's, but it satisfies her bank

Six years ago Macy's turned down Venerable Mom's application for a credit card, despite her good credit history and enviable financial status.  I wrote about it here.

This week VM received an invitation to apply for a Platinum Visa card from a more local institution, which acknowledged her good credit and years as a customer.  I wrote a response on her behalf:

I received the solicitation that you directed to my mother, Venerable Mom Laquedem, to apply for a Greatest Bank Visa Platinum Card, and the recognition of her good credit that your offer implies.  Mom was very proud of her sterling credit history – I think her last late payment on anything was in 1953 – and she reacted with chagrin in 2011 when Macy’s turned her down for a credit card, something she and I couldn’t explain, given her substantial private income and complete freedom from debt.  I think at the time her debts totaled $674, the amount of her charges that month on her credit card, and she had then lived for 15 years without a home mortgage and 50 years without a car payment.

She’s not, unfortunately, able to accept your offer, because in the fall of 2013 she died, quite peacefully and still debt-free.  She’d likely be cheered by your offer, almost as much as she’d have reveled in the news that Macy’s has closed the store that invited her to apply for a credit card and then rejected her as unworthy of the honor.

Very truly yours,

Isaac Laquedem

 

Sprint says the new iPhone can reach people no other phone can call

My cell phone carrier texts me today: "This Mother's Day, call your mom (on THIS NEW iPhone - and save)," with a link to the advertisement.

The carrier has hit on a compelling sales pitch.  I would pay well for a new iPhone on which I could call Venerable Mom Laquedem, if she would answer.  I can speak to her -- she occupies a handsome brass container above my fireplace -- but it's been several years since she last talked back.