Isaac Laquedem

Sprint says the new iPhone can reach people no other phone can call

My cell phone carrier texts me today: "This Mother's Day, call your mom (on THIS NEW iPhone - and save)," with a link to the advertisement.

The carrier has hit on a compelling sales pitch.  I would pay well for a new iPhone on which I could call Venerable Mom Laquedem, if she would answer.  I can speak to her -- she occupies a handsome brass container above my fireplace -- but it's been several years since she last talked back.

Venerable Mom asks for help on a math test

Though advanced age has made her eyesight mostly theoretical, Venerable Mom still maintains a lively interest in the affairs of the day, and we talk every week or so about something that's caught her roving mind.  Her question of a few days ago was off her regular pattern: she called to ask me how to count backward from 100 by sevens.  "100, 93, 86, 79, 72," I said, continuing until she insisted that I stop.  "No, no," she said, "I don't need to know the numbers, I want to know how to do it quickly."  I said, "Imagine that you're looking at a number line that shows all the numbers from 1 to 100 (my fourth-grade classroom had one).  Then start at 100 and move 7 places to the left and call out the numbers as you go."

"That won't work," VM told me, "you know I can't see a thing."  "No, Mother," I replied, "you don't have to see it; you just have to imagine it."  She rejected the idea, and also quickly rejected arranging 100 dots in a 10-by-10 array and visualizing 7 dots at a time being removed.

"By the way, Mother," I asked, "why do you need to count backward by sevens?"  She told me that it's part of the mental test that her physician gives her to see if her mind is functioning properly, and she wants to be able to score well.  "I can't believe this, Mom," I told her.  "You're asking me to help you cheat on a senility test?"

After a fit of laughter, she replied, "Well, that shows I haven't lost my mind yet."

 

O2 say can you see? Venerable Mom cuts the wrong budget

I spent some time with Venerable Mom this week, helping her navigate the vagaries of the health care system while she lay in a hospital bed awaiting some tests.  Somewhere in our discussions (which, in the parlance of diplomats, were "frank and open") she said that she didn't like what she was paying for her portable oxygen tank.

I've known for many years that Venerable Mom revels in thrift, but I couldn't let her statement pass without comment.  "Mom," I said, "first, you don't need to economize; and second, if you do want to reduce expenses, cutting back on your oxygen consumption isn't where to start."

Only really, really thin senior citizens can have pets

Venerable Mom Laquedem inhabits, not too happily, a nearby senior center which is in the process of changing owners.  The new owner wants all of the residents to sign new residence contracts, printed in type small enough to be difficult or impossible for the average octogenarian or nonagenarian to read.

Many things about VM are above average, but her eyesight isn't.   Hence VM's call: could I read her contract, tell her what it says, and tell her if she can safely sign it?

I found a few things in the contract that could have benefited from, or that should have been quietly exterminated by, a competent proofreader, including a gem of a sentence that, as written, allows only residents who weigh 25 pounds or less to keep a pet in their apartment. 

A quiet and friendly pet can be a great comfort to an elderly person, but not at the cost of anorexia.  Venerable Mom doesn't want a dog or cat for herself, but she'll watch with great interest to see if any of her neighbors start skipping their meals.

Happy Mother's Day to Venerable Mom Laquedem, assisted by Professor Lehrer

Venerable Mom Laquedem was instantly taken with "Momsms," by Anita Renfroe, to which I linked in my other post for this Mother's Day, when I played it for her for Passover.  (Our family has some unusual observances.)  My regular Mother's Day serenade to her is Tom Lehrer's song "Oedipus Rex," which I'll sing to her today, as is my custom.  Venerable Mom will reply as is her custom, with a couple of words that aren't in my day-to-day vocabulary followed by the suggestion that a card and a box of chocolates would have been adequate. 

Macy's offends Venerable Mom for Christmas, but saves her 30%

The centerpiece of the Laquedem Christmas celebration is only nominally the dinner (two dinners today, actually).  Most years the stage is stolen by Venerable Mom Laquedem's recital of her recent correspondence.  Today VM was in rare form as she griped, in good humor, about being turned down for a credit card.

When VM approached the register at Macy's this month, the clerk told her that if she applied for a Macy's credit card, she could save 30% on that day's purchases.  VM revels in thrift and signed up at once.  Last week she received the bad news that Macy's had turned her down, giving the reasons as her high level of installment debt and her history of delinquent credit accounts.  This puzzled her, as her installment debts total $576 -- not per month, but her total balance, which she pays off every month -- and her most recent late payment was in the Eisenhower or possibly the Truman era.

"Could it be her credit score?" I wondered.  Venerable Mom showed me her score, which was well above 780.  So it's not that either.  Perhaps, Mrs. Laquedem suggested, Macy's simply doesn't like issuing cards to customers with perfect credit and no debts . . . if they're octogenarians.

Far from feeling discriminated against because of her age, however, Venerable Mom was oddly pleased.  It means that next year she can again shop at Macy's, apply for a card, and get a 30% discount, and repeat that money-saving effort year after year -- as long as Macy's continues to turn her down for credit.

Who needs the nanny state when you have parents and children?

Venerable Mom relocated this spring to quarters near to Laquedem Manor.  One fine weekend day the Laquedemitasse and I biked to see her, he carefully strapping on his helmet first, as is the law.  We came up to the front door, where she was waiting for us.  She greeted the Laquedemitasse with a smile and a hug, then looked at me.  "Where's your helmet, Isaac?" Venerable Mom snapped.  "Yeah, Dad, where's your helmet?" chimed in the Laquedemitasse.  "Don't ride your bike to see me again without a helmet," she ordered.  "Yeah, Dad; don't ride without a helmet," seconded the Laquedemitasse.

Seeing such unanimity from generations past and future, a few days later I bought a helmet.  Only later did I think of a loophole: I could borrow a bike from Mrs. Laquedem and then I wouldn't be riding my bike.

Happy birthday, Venerable Mom!

And congratulations and best wishes on having achieved (not without one or two glitches along the way, but a lot of fun and good times and whimsy also) the years of strength!

De gustibus non est disputandum, even in the hospital

Uncle Farmer's family has brightened his recent hospitalization by bringing him beer, which the nurses keep cold for him in a convenient refrigerator.  (Some odd laboratory diagnoses may result if the beer is confused with other fluids kept there.)  I wrote about this a few days ago, mentioning that my preference would be for Bordeaux wine, and read the post to Venerable Mom today.  She doesn't want me to bring her beer if she should go into the hospital, but (she says) a pitcher of cold martinis would be most welcome.  

Other than that, Mrs. Laquedem, how did you like your Easter?

The Laquedem family is known for its collective cheerful insouciance under almost any circumstances.  Still, the standard set by Venerable Mom Laquedem this Easter Sunday will be hard for the rest of us to exceed.  After a bit of unusual exertion, she felt faint, lost consciousness, stopped breathing, and collapsed, setting off a panic among our family.  We called 911.  Paramedics arrived promptly, did their thing, and revived her.  As her eyes opened, she looked up at the faces peering down at her, regained focus, and said mildly, "You know, today is the appropriate day for resurrections."